I’ve worked with many singles and couples over the years. One of the things that stand out is that most of them do not know how to get what they want or need from their partners or life in general.
One of the best ways is to ask – simple, and not easy. Growing up many of us were taught not to ask for things. I would go to a relative or family friend’s house and was told don’t ask for something different like salad dressing or where they bought something. I got the message that it’s wrong to ask and that I was wrong for asking because it was rude. I learned that I should just accept whatever there is, and I should be grateful. Not helpful advice.
Asking for what you want requires risk and may feel vulnerable, and yet it yields the best results. My Dad, would often say “The answer is always no unless you ask.” I did get mixed messages to say the least. Experiencing this has served me. At times in my life I have been quiet and other times I have spoken up for myself. What I realized is that people get more of what they want – dates, promotions, discounts, information, extras, etc. – from asking. Give it a go. You can do it.
When it comes to our partners, it is not their job to be mind-readers. You have to ask. I hear many women say, “If he loved me he would know.” Not true. Men are hard wired to please, especially when they care. Many men come into my office and just want to know what to do. Tell them – in a loving way, not a bossy way. They want to know how to please you.
One of my clients loved the way her fiance would kiss her on the head. She mentioned this a few times and one day I asked if she ever told him. She said “No, I could never do that!” This is a common response. I asked her how she felt when he did that. She replied, “Loved and adored” with a goofy grin on her face. I said, “tell him.” Finally, she did. Here are the steps to authentically asking for what you want.
- Think of something he/she does that you really enjoy.
- How do you feel during those times?
- Tell you love, friend or family member, etc.
- Ask – would you do this next weekend or tonight?
- Allow space for their response. Respect their answer even if you don’t like it.
Based on their response, it may be time to negotiate. Either way, you can handle a yes or a no.
Here’s an example: Honey, when you kiss me on the head I feel loved and adored. Would you do that more often?
Her guy was thrilled she told him. He likes kissing her in that way too. Now he does it more often and she is ecstatic. They are closer together as a couple. This is intimacy.